What I Want On My Tombstone

Studies have shown that people in their early twenties don't often take the time to stop and think about their own mortality. Those same studies also suggest that when the temporary nature of life is thought of, 78% of those respondents had recently listened to "Time" by Pink Floyd. Taking this to heart, I began thinking about ways I could leave behind a lasting legacy--something that will carry a message to future generations. What was a rock-solid, block-lettered way I could pass on that message? A tombstone, of course. More than anything else, a tombstone would effectively communicate a pointed message to future generations--and one of my choosing. In order for me to build a legacy, some have urged me to commit my life to charitable causes. Others have suggested having many children with wives and girlfriends, and passing on the sacred traditions of honor and family that are the bedrock of our civilization. In my own personal experience, I've tried, as much as possible, to convince those around me to do things for me so that I will be remembered as a leader. However, all of these tactics are contingent on me achieving actual goals. The beauty of the tombstone is this: I get to choose one simple message that family members and creepy cemetery-walkers will be forced to read. That message will be etched in stone, regardless of my life's achievements. I could be a shoeless tramp, a seedy ne'er-do-well, or even a high school gym teacher--it doesn't matter--this message will stand. And because I plan to carry some serious financial debt into the grave, I'll make sure to have my tombstone carved out long before I breathe my last.

This said, I've been pondering what witty phrase, or dirty double-entendre I want forever chiseled a few feet above my dead body. It has to be something short and to the point--in that way, unavoidable. The reader will be finished before they can stop themselves. For instance, most of the people who began reading this blog expecting something of real substance had the opportunity to turn their attention to something else a long time ago. If you're still reading, you're definitely enough of a sucker to stick it out till the end. All things considered, here are my possible answers:

(Tombstone will read: Nicholas Hibbeler 1987-2012)

"Here lies the President of Super-America."

"Please do not use this tombstone as a stage for puppet shows."

"I'm right behind you."

"Being dead is like having sex with Medusa."

"This corpse has a plot, unlike that joke of a movie, Signs."

"I should've used the AC less."

"Captain of the USS Enterprise."

"Time capsule. Please open 2042."

"Beauty is only skin-deep, but smarts are only brain-deep."

"He hated his children."

"Self-aware nose-picker."

"Hermit Crab enthusiast and shell decorator."

"He swam like 12 minutes after eating."

"Resurrection reward: the best chicken pasta you've ever had."

"You should have had sex with him while you could."

"He used aluminium-based deodorant."

"Died not knowing why snow-boarding was cooler than skiing."

"If you're going to pour out liquor, please be seasonally conscious."

"Rigor Mortis: the full-body stiffy."

"If I come back as a zombie, don't dismember my good side."

"Gave good karma to many by owing them cash."

"Set my iPod to shuffle."